@MaraWilson Wow these two actors have good chemistry *Looks up movie on Wikipedia* Ohhhh, they were fucking
Retweet Sep 10 2021
@MaraWilson Wow these two actors have good chemistry *Looks up movie on Wikipedia* Ohhhh, they were fucking
Retweet Sep 10 2021
@MaraWilson I don’t give a fuck about “moist” but if you ever use the word “delicious” or even “tasty” to describe something that isn’t food I might have to kill you
Retweet Nov 17 2019
@MaraWilson I saw an ad for athleisure wear with a testimonial from a former Lululemon wearer and she said “I haven’t even touched my Lulu since I got these!” and all I could think was “touch my lulu” sounds like some WASPy mom euphemism for masturbation
Retweet Favorite Jul 2 2019
@MaraWilson I loved R2-D2 as a kid because I was also short and pissed off
Retweet Favorite Sep 27 2018
@MaraWilson Whisper "whey protein" into a mirror three times if you want a straight white man to come out of it and talk at you
Retweet Favorite Jan 20 2017
@MaraWilson If they somehow magically ever discover another part of the reproductive system, they should name it after Prince
Retweet Favorite May 11 2016
@MaraWilson My heart goes out to the teenage girls in California who, due to the drought, can no longer take "unusually long" baths like we did
Retweet Favorite Dec 29 2015
@MaraWilson Dentists' offices only come in two layouts: "open-floor concept Smarthome with a medical twist!" or "design attained perfection in 1964"
Retweet Favorite Nov 2 2015
@MaraWilson I love my cats so much, I love that I get to have these two tiny killing machines cuddled up in bed with me
Retweet Favorite Oct 3 2015
@MaraWilson Anxiety: making it impossible to tell the difference between a minor problem and a catastrophe since the development of the frontal lobe!
Retweet Favorite Jul 27 2015
@MaraWilson People ask me to do things months in advance and I'm like, WOW, how does it feel not to expect you might die by freak accident at any time?
Retweet Favorite May 31 2015
@MaraWilson I get irrationally angry when someone else is in the laundry room at the same time I am
Retweet Favorite Mar 30 2015
@MaraWilson Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Retweet Favorite Oct 9 2014
@MaraWilson Plane turbulence is caused by flying over hot areas, flying over mountains, and you getting up to use the airplane bathroom
Retweet Favorite Jul 30 2014
@MaraWilson They should hire people to stand in Times Square and yell "WALK FASTER!"
Retweet Favorite Feb 27 2014
@MaraWilson I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Retweet Favorite Feb 22 2014
@MaraWilson I used to love correcting people's grammar until I realized what I loved more was having friends.
Retweet Favorite Feb 8 2014