@AndrewNadeau0 I identify w/ pumpkins cuz I feel like I too would awkwardly smile & act like everything was fine even while being stabbed.
Retweet Favorite Oct 22 2017
@bourgeoisalien If you hide in a trash can at Arby's and get locked there overnight, you own that Arby's. That's the only legal way Arby's can change owners
Retweet Favorite Oct 22 2017
@lauraelizmclean Come on guys, if we all put our heads together we can form a giant circle where all of our heads are touching
Retweet Favorite Oct 22 2017
@Rollinintheseat *Password looks at itself in the mirror* "Don't listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password."
Retweet Favorite Oct 21 2017
@JohnFugelsang Those snobs at Yankee Candle Co. just rejected my scented votive pitch for "Grampa's Cigarettes."
Retweet Favorite Oct 21 2017
@lisaxy424 ⚠️IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN⚠️ cuz i don't and i slept in until 11 and it was glorious and i just wanted to let you know
Retweet Favorite Oct 21 2017
@aksorojas I always have a pepper spray inside my bag in case the pasta I ordered is a little bland.
Retweet Favorite Oct 18 2017
@OctopusCaveman [2 men standing in an empty basement together] Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Retweet Favorite Oct 18 2017
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