@OstracizedOstri "Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!" I chant, lifting his feet into the air. Woman [breastfeeding]: Please stop
Retweet Favorite May 22 2018
@jamdugg If Back to the Future taught me anything it’s that if you punch someone in the face, your life will drastically improve
Retweet Favorite May 22 2018
@AtticusFinch79 The Slim Jim was created in 1908 when Slim and Jim decided that meat rope tasted better than actual rope
Retweet Favorite May 22 2018
@AbbyHasIssues Welcome to adulthood. You have a favorite spatula now.
Retweet Favorite May 22 2018
@joshgondelman Sometimes I get frustrated and try to google my own memories like: "Who was that weird kid in first grade?" or "Me afraid of birds why?"
Retweet Favorite May 22 2018
@TheHyyyype [i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "i'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"] ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you're not going anywhere you piece of shit
Retweet May 21 2018
@AndrewNadeau0 If it only takes 10,000 hours to master a skill why am I still so bad at sleeping?
Retweet Favorite May 20 2018
@JimmyBauer The main difference between a nudist and a streaker is speed.
Retweet Favorite May 16 2018
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