@Marlebean In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Retweet Favorite Jun 23 2017
@junejuly12 Ever have to call someone and get annoyed when they actually answer?
Retweet Favorite Jun 23 2017
@Sadieisonfire working for vice "news" has 2 be pretty easy. you just go do some really stupid shit and write an "article" about it and get paid apparently
Retweet Favorite Jun 23 2017
@rejectedjokes By looks alone, melted cheese should have twice as many calories as cold cheese.
Retweet Favorite Jun 23 2017
@Probgoblin The year is 2028. President AR-15 just signed a law that simply said "Truck".
Retweet Favorite Jun 23 2017
@InternetHippo [press conference] Me (contrite): I made a mistake. I admit it. But what's important now is for me to move on and learn nothing
Retweet Favorite Jun 22 2017
@darksidedeb I stuff the holes in Swiss cheese with other cheeses.
Retweet Favorite Jun 21 2017
@FreakingTrue i’m the person who’s 100% down for spontaneous adventures but also 100% down to lay in bed all day. i’m on both ends of the spectrum
Retweet Favorite Jun 21 2017
more funny tweets »