@mattytalks Inside your balls there is a tiny computer, the CIA can hack the computer and make you piss your pants in front of Jenna to ruin your date.
Retweet Favorite Mar 9 2017
@mattytalks Inside your balls there is a tiny computer, the CIA can hack the computer and make you piss your pants in front of Jenna to ruin your date.
Retweet Favorite Mar 9 2017
@mattytalks *sees my stepfather on Xmas* Hey Chip, Feliz Notmydad you piece of shit
Retweet Favorite Dec 25 2016
@mattytalks Meatballs have bread crumbs inside them. Meat plus bread means that a meatball is actually a sandwich.
Retweet Favorite Dec 4 2016
@mattytalks Minimum Wage, Maximum Rage: The life of a Twitter opinion haver
Retweet Favorite Jan 10 2016
@mattytalks Does life imitate art or does art imitate life? Either way I've lost 1000 dollars playing poker with these dogs
Retweet Favorite Dec 14 2014
@mattytalks For those of you who are alone on thanksgiving for $50 I'll call you and ask you why you're not married yet and when you're getting a raise
Retweet Favorite Nov 27 2014@mattytalks Me to 6 year old trick or treater dressed as a witch: "I wish you'd cackle less" Her: Give me a snickers you old piece of shit
Retweet Favorite Oct 28 2014
@mattytalks Parkour is truly the sport that best represents what it would look like if god was running from the cops
Retweet Favorite Jul 21 2014
@mattytalks Harry Potter is actually an allegory about the emptiness of millennial hook up culture
Retweet Favorite Jul 13 2014
@mattytalks I'm thinking of becoming one of those hot girl accounts where you show like 70% of your face and tweet about your period and wolves
Retweet Favorite May 12 2014
@mattytalks George Bush repeatedly tries to crack a coconut on the side of a hot skillet "Laura, I told you not to buy the god damn hairy eggs anymore"
Retweet Favorite Apr 23 2014
@mattytalks I hated my job at medieval times because I always got stuck working on the knight shift
Retweet Favorite Feb 4 2014
@mattytalks I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Retweet Favorite Jan 29 2014
@mattytalks *you open a ring box and inside it is an enormous pair of jeans* He went to Jared
Retweet Favorite Dec 22 2013
@mattytalks *whispers in bed* I want to try something with you I've never done before *engages in a loving and mutually beneficial adult relationship*
Retweet Favorite Dec 22 2013
@mattytalks Michelle Obama puts her secret lovers number in her phone under Ben Ghazi knowing that by doing so Barack will never search for the truth
Retweet Favorite Dec 15 2013
@mattytalks The year is 2036, President Jaden Smith is re-elected in a landslide after making it illegal to respond to someone's text message with "K"
Retweet Favorite Dec 9 2013
@mattytalks What do you call a dog who loves to be dominated? A sub woofer. Thank you & God Bless
Retweet Favorite Oct 21 2013
@mattytalks My new girlfriend is a sandwich artist and she's really into roll play
Retweet Favorite Oct 2 2013
@mattytalks *looks east* ah, the atlantic ocean *looks west* ah, the pacific ocean *sees a bunch of idiots raving about mediocre r&b* ah,the Frank Ocean
Retweet Favorite Aug 5 2013
@mattytalks "I've turned over a new leaf" ~ me explaining to the nissan salesman that I had an accident on the test drive
Retweet Favorite Jul 27 2013
@mattytalks "No I love Israel more" Romney says, I had a sleepover with Netanyahu and he braided my hair. He fell asleep first so I froze his bra
Retweet Favorite Oct 22@mattytalks Hey Girl is your Dad an Astronaut??Because I'm from Nasa. There has been a terrible accident at the Space Station and he is dead
Retweet Favorite Oct 9
@mattytalks I've been to 3 different specialists at the Foxsworthy Institute and they still can't be sure whether or not I'm a Redneck. I'm losing hope
Retweet Favorite Sep 16