Viewing tweets by @kumailn that have been added to Fun Tweets.
@kumailn Worst NYE: My roommate & I threw a NYE party at our apt in Chi. A guy cut in line to the bathroom, stayed in there for a while, left the party right after. Like, he walked from the bathroom out into the night. I knew there was trouble. I spent th
Retweet Favorite Dec 31 2017
@kumailn PSA: You don’t have to count “1 2 3” when you take pictures now. Just take a million in like 2 seconds & keep it moving.
Retweet Favorite Dec 9 2017
@kumailn "Oh no. This sucks. I'm gonna put it in a movie." - hundreds of directors while watching 9/11, apparently
Retweet Favorite Mar 27 2016
@kumailn Pitch: A Movie/ TV ep that starts w a Muslim guy praying & then it turns out he's a normal guy & the story has nothing to do with terrorism.
Retweet Favorite Feb 16 2016
@kumailn Growing up is watching your parents morph from superheroes to ordinary people just trying to figure stuff out.
Retweet Favorite Nov 25 2015
@kumailn This lady at the store didn't know what a Toblerone was and I've honestly never been more offended in my life.
Retweet Favorite Sep 29 2015
@kumailn Every DJ's picture looks like they just got done effing your mom & can't wait to tell you about it.
Retweet Favorite Sep 19 2015
@kumailn Just put my phone on airline mode. That's when it delays your texts for no reason & acts like it's doing you a favor when it does send them.
Retweet Favorite Jul 30 2015
@kumailn Expecting a person of a certain race to constantly be commenting on their race is also a kind of racism.
Retweet Favorite May 15 2015
@kumailn The only way I can appreciate a beautiful view is by taking a picture of it with my phone & looking at it on the screen.
Retweet Favorite May 12 2015
@kumailn A DJ that's a cat! So cute! But you know what's not cute? *clicks to next slide* Our reliance on rapidly depleting fossil fuels.
Retweet Favorite Mar 26 2015
@kumailn "I'm sorry I'm legally not allowed to take more than 3 passengers." *runs through 4 red lights going 15 miles over the speed limit.*
Retweet Favorite Dec 23 2014
@kumailn I'm about 20% more confident when chewing gum.
Retweet Favorite Oct 12 2014
@kumailn I can see my Uber driver's car is almost out of gas and it's really stressing me out.
Retweet Favorite Sep 30 2014
@kumailn The best thing about smartphones is that you don't have to refold maps anymore.
Retweet Favorite Sep 5 2014
@kumailn Nothing creepier than a grown man drinking a glass of milk.
Retweet Favorite Aug 15 2014
@kumailn If you leave me a voicemail, congratulations. You've just given me the gift of anxiety.
Retweet Favorite Aug 14 2014
@kumailn Pretty much just pronouncing "Caramel" however the person I'm talking to is pronouncing it.
Retweet Favorite Jul 16 2014
@kumailn And on the 8th day, He said "Oh I'll make carbs delicious AND fattening LOL!"
Retweet Favorite Jul 7 2014
@kumailn Hell is just going to be you on a conference call waiting for the 8th guy to dial in for all eternity.
Retweet Favorite May 30 2014
@kumailn Nightmare scenario: a man with the confidence of Pitbull and the talent level of Pitbull.
Retweet Favorite May 19 2014
@kumailn Great desert tip: Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl with fresh squeezed lime juice. Toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
Retweet Favorite Apr 23 2014
@kumailn If I don't charge my iPad at the beginning of the week I spend the whole time just trying to catch up to 100%.
Retweet Favorite Apr 9 2014
@kumailn I think memes would be the hardest thing to explain to a time traveler from the past.
Retweet Favorite Mar 31 2014
@kumailn My life will forever be divided into two segments: before I ever used a bidet, and the Age of Enlightenment.
Retweet Favorite Mar 22 2014
@kumailn I've got reverse Benjamin Button disease.
Retweet Favorite Mar 18 2014
@kumailn Idea: a Chinese restaurant called You Dim Sum You Lose Some.
Retweet Favorite Jan 30 2014
@kumailn Idea for a podcast: Friends hang out together and have deep and meaningful discussions and nobody records it and it's not a podcast.
Retweet Favorite Jan 28 2014
@kumailn Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Retweet Favorite Jan 3 2014
@kumailn You had me at being a woman.
Retweet Favorite Dec 11 2013
@kumailn I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne's parents.
Retweet Favorite Oct 28 2013
@kumailn Whoever coined the phrase "smooth as a baby's bottom" must have been a real creep.
Retweet Favorite Oct 17 2013
@kumailn Dear lady, $14 is crazy for an airport sandwich but complaining to the counter guy is like telling a cop to pull troops out of Afghanistan.
Retweet Favorite Oct 17 2013
@kumailn Just bought a sandwich at the airport so gonna have to put off buying a house for a while.
Retweet Favorite Oct 10 2013
@kumailn "Serving size: half sandwich." Really, ice-cream sandwich manufacturers? I know what you're doing. And I don't like it.
Retweet Favorite Sep 27 2013
@kumailn "Bikini faux pas: are you guilty?" As a guy, it's very hard to imagine the bullshit that women are bombarded with.
Retweet Favorite Sep 26 2013
@kumailn The crazy thing about insurance is that the best case scenario is you've wasted a bunch of money.
Retweet Favorite Sep 24 2013
@kumailn Ginger Ale tastes so much worse outside an airplane.
Retweet Favorite Sep 14 2013
@kumailn If I lived in Gotham City I'd always be hinting I was Batman to get freebies. "I'll get the bat-check. I mean regular check. Bat-thanks."
Retweet Favorite Sep 3 2013
@kumailn Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.
Retweet Favorite Aug 30 2013
@kumailn "Good for you" was said unsarcastically only that first time.
Retweet Favorite Aug 21 2013
@kumailn "Like, 2?" - someone in a decision-making position when asked how many outlets a hotel room should have
Retweet Favorite Aug 21 2013
@kumailn Bad news guys. The 1st person who ever typed "LOL" into a keyboard just died of double AIDS.
Retweet Favorite Aug 18 2013
@kumailn Hotels are keeping the shower cap industry afloat.
Retweet Favorite Aug 16 2013
@kumailn Dear grapefruit, putting the name of a better fruit in your name doesn't change the fact that you taste like a lemon's butthole.
Retweet Favorite Aug 10 2013
@kumailn Coconut water: for people who love the taste of piss but don't wanna deal with the social stigma of drinking it.
Retweet Favorite Aug 2 2013
@kumailn "I hate the last two minutes of everything." - DVR
Retweet Favorite Jul 31 2013
@kumailn Mickey Mouse just got shot at Disney World for being black.
Retweet Favorite Jul 14 2013
@kumailn "Oooh look, north west is trending. Awesome." - someone in Portland who doesn't follow pop culture news
Retweet Favorite Jun 21 2013
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@kumailn Why do people get suspicious when a baby doesn't like you? It's not psychic. It's a stupid baby with shitty taste in people.
Retweet Favorite Jun 21 2013
@kumailn Just told the Starbucks at the airport that my name was Ayatollah Bombface. Lol let's see wha
Retweet Favorite Jun 17 2013
@kumailn Idea: a hat store called "ALL CAPS" where the salespeople yell at you the entire time.
Retweet Favorite Jun 3 2013
@kumailn Who decided smiling would be the default expression for pictures?
Retweet Favorite May 28 2013
@kumailn "If you text me, I'll call you back just cuz it's more efficient." - a monster
Retweet Favorite May 18 2013
@kumailn Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.
Retweet Favorite May 15 2013
@kumailn The difference between "she's jogging & healthy" vs "she's in danger & I should help" is headphones.
Retweet Favorite May 15 2013
@kumailn Mistakenly used yahoo for searching instead of google. It's like someone used google two days ago & is trying to remember the results.
Retweet Favorite Apr 10 2013
@kumailn "Don't quote me on that." -anonymous
Retweet Favorite Mar 25 2013
@kumailn "97% of the world's population is homosexual." - survey based on YouTube comments
Retweet Favorite Mar 16 2013
@kumailn They should bottle that Pope smoke and sell it as a cologne called Pope-oorie.
Retweet Favorite Mar 13 2013
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@kumailn Shaq just described himself as a geek. The word has officially lost all meaning,
Retweet Favorite Mar 11 2013
@kumailn I'm glad twitter is new because nobody needs to see Michelangelo rt'ing every time someone mentions how majestic the Sistine Chapel is.
Retweet Favorite Mar 3 2013
@kumailn "She's so hot. But she had, like, no mascara on. It's a no go for me." -dudes, according to ladies
Retweet Favorite Feb 22 2013
@kumailn I scream, you scream, we all scream because we just witnessed a horrific highway wreck with multiple fatalities.
Retweet Favorite Feb 18 2013
@kumailn The hipster aesthetic is the best thing to ever happen to ugly people.
Retweet Favorite Feb 15 2013
@kumailn You think Japanese teenagers are shocked the first time they see a real live naked woman & it's not all pixelated looking down there?
Retweet Favorite Jan 7 2013
@kumailn Nobody's gonna believe this, but I just saw a 20 something year old white girl without bangs.
Retweet Favorite Dec 12
@kumailn All I want from life is to be able to respond "crystal" when someone angrily asks me if they've made themselves clear.
Retweet Favorite Dec 7
@kumailn "Can you believe I got something decent at a piece of shit store like Sears?" - every Sears commercial
Retweet Favorite Dec 4
@kumailn So we're just gonna walk around pretending it's not weird that one of our hands is just worse at everything?
Retweet Favorite Dec 2
@kumailn Hey at least Romney will get his own Mormon planet in the afterlife. Wait, that's a lie? Just go cry into a bag of money then.
Retweet Favorite Nov 6
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@kumailn Just gently whispered "daylight shavings time" to myself as I took a razor to my face. #professionalcomedian
Retweet Favorite Nov 4
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@kumailn "I have a 5 point strategy. Every point is that we have to be more awesome in a vague way." - Mitt Romney #debate
Retweet Favorite Oct 22
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@kumailn Romney has the self-satisfied smirk of a serial killer who just convinced the cops to leave his house before they checked the attic. #debate
Retweet Favorite Oct 22
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@kumailn "I have a 5 point plan. I will tell you zero of them." -Mitt Romney #debate
Retweet Favorite Oct 16
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@kumailn It's good Michelangelo wasn't around for twitter. Be a bummer to see him rt'ing whenever someone said how majestic the Sistine Chapel was.
Retweet Favorite Sep 20
@kumailn Hey guys let me know if you figure out a way for me to rt myself. Some of these are pretty great.
Retweet Favorite Sep 17
@kumailn If you're a comedian named Luke and your 1st album isn't named Luke Who's Talking, I don't even know why you got into this game at all.
Retweet Favorite Aug 25