Viewing tweets by @kumailn that have been added to Fun Tweets.
@kumailn Worst NYE: My roommate & I threw a NYE party at our apt in Chi. A guy cut in line to the bathroom, stayed in there for a while, left the party right after. Like, he walked from the bathroom out into the night. I knew there was trouble. I spent th
RetweetFavoriteDec 31 2017
@kumailn PSA: You don’t have to count “1 2 3” when you take pictures now. Just take a million in like 2 seconds & keep it moving.
RetweetFavoriteDec 9 2017
@kumailn "Oh no. This sucks. I'm gonna put it in a movie." - hundreds of directors while watching 9/11, apparently
RetweetFavoriteMar 27 2016
@kumailn Pitch: A Movie/ TV ep that starts w a Muslim guy praying & then it turns out he's a normal guy & the story has nothing to do with terrorism.
RetweetFavoriteFeb 16 2016
@kumailn Growing up is watching your parents morph from superheroes to ordinary people just trying to figure stuff out.
RetweetFavoriteNov 25 2015
@kumailn This lady at the store didn't know what a Toblerone was and I've honestly never been more offended in my life.
RetweetFavoriteSep 29 2015
@kumailn Just put my phone on airline mode. That's when it delays your texts for no reason & acts like it's doing you a favor when it does send them.
RetweetFavoriteJul 30 2015
@kumailn Expecting a person of a certain race to constantly be commenting on their race is also a kind of racism.
RetweetFavoriteMay 15 2015
@kumailn The only way I can appreciate a beautiful view is by taking a picture of it with my phone & looking at it on the screen.
RetweetFavoriteMay 12 2015
@kumailn A DJ that's a cat! So cute! But you know what's not cute? *clicks to next slide* Our reliance on rapidly depleting fossil fuels.
RetweetFavoriteMar 26 2015
@kumailn "I'm sorry I'm legally not allowed to take more than 3 passengers." *runs through 4 red lights going 15 miles over the speed limit.*
RetweetFavoriteDec 23 2014
@kumailn Great desert tip: Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl with fresh squeezed lime juice. Toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
RetweetFavoriteApr 23 2014
@kumailn If I don't charge my iPad at the beginning of the week I spend the whole time just trying to catch up to 100%.
RetweetFavoriteApr 9 2014
@kumailn Idea for a podcast: Friends hang out together and have deep and meaningful discussions and nobody records it and it's not a podcast.
RetweetFavoriteJan 28 2014
@kumailn Dear lady, $14 is crazy for an airport sandwich but complaining to the counter guy is like telling a cop to pull troops out of Afghanistan.
RetweetFavoriteOct 17 2013
@kumailn "Serving size: half sandwich." Really, ice-cream sandwich manufacturers? I know what you're doing. And I don't like it.
RetweetFavoriteSep 27 2013
@kumailn "Bikini faux pas: are you guilty?" As a guy, it's very hard to imagine the bullshit that women are bombarded with.
RetweetFavoriteSep 26 2013
@kumailn If I lived in Gotham City I'd always be hinting I was Batman to get freebies. "I'll get the bat-check. I mean regular check. Bat-thanks."
RetweetFavoriteSep 3 2013
@kumailn Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.
RetweetFavoriteAug 30 2013
@kumailn Dear grapefruit, putting the name of a better fruit in your name doesn't change the fact that you taste like a lemon's butthole.
RetweetFavoriteAug 10 2013
@kumailn Coconut water: for people who love the taste of piss but don't wanna deal with the social stigma of drinking it.
RetweetFavoriteAug 2 2013
@kumailn Why do people get suspicious when a baby doesn't like you? It's not psychic. It's a stupid baby with shitty taste in people.
RetweetFavoriteJun 21 2013
@kumailn The difference between "she's jogging & healthy" vs "she's in danger & I should help" is headphones.
RetweetFavoriteMay 15 2013
@kumailn Mistakenly used yahoo for searching instead of google. It's like someone used google two days ago & is trying to remember the results.
RetweetFavoriteApr 10 2013
@kumailn I'm glad twitter is new because nobody needs to see Michelangelo rt'ing every time someone mentions how majestic the Sistine Chapel is.
RetweetFavoriteMar 3 2013
@kumailn You think Japanese teenagers are shocked the first time they see a real live naked woman & it's not all pixelated looking down there?
RetweetFavoriteJan 7 2013
@kumailn Nobody's gonna believe this, but I just saw a 20 something year old white girl without bangs.
RetweetFavoriteDec 12
@kumailn All I want from life is to be able to respond "crystal" when someone angrily asks me if they've made themselves clear.
RetweetFavoriteDec 7
@kumailn "Can you believe I got something decent at a piece of shit store like Sears?" - every Sears commercial
RetweetFavoriteDec 4
@kumailn So we're just gonna walk around pretending it's not weird that one of our hands is just worse at everything?
RetweetFavoriteDec 2
@kumailn It's good Michelangelo wasn't around for twitter. Be a bummer to see him rt'ing whenever someone said how majestic the Sistine Chapel was.
RetweetFavoriteSep 20
@kumailn Hey guys let me know if you figure out a way for me to rt myself. Some of these are pretty great.
RetweetFavoriteSep 17
@kumailn If you're a comedian named Luke and your 1st album isn't named Luke Who's Talking, I don't even know why you got into this game at all.
RetweetFavoriteAug 25