Viewing tweets by @bridger_w that have been added to Fun Tweets.
@bridger_w Please stop saying we live in hell. Hell follows some level of logic and a basic set of rules
Retweet Aug 15 2020
@bridger_w There really has never been a better time in America to have died four years ago
Retweet Favorite Apr 1 2020
@bridger_w I used to really enjoy staying at hotels. Of course, that was before I learned I could fill a bucket with ice at home
Retweet Favorite Feb 21 2017
@bridger_w If a stranger catches you taking their photo, let them know it's okay by softly saying, "Don't worry, this is just for me"
Retweet Favorite Aug 27 2016
@bridger_w Something I don't think we're doing nearly enough of as a society is building giant mysterious structures to confuse future archaeologists
Retweet Favorite Jun 7 2016
@bridger_w I honestly don't know how much longer I can be expected to go on before I inherit a manor with a horrifying secret
Retweet Favorite Oct 29 2015
@bridger_w FedEx missed me and left a note saying I can pick up my delivery, but joke's on them -- I no longer have the strength to do anything at all
Retweet Favorite Oct 26 2015
@bridger_w If I take a bite of your food at a restaurant and your food is better than my food, just be aware that our relationship is now in danger
Retweet Favorite Aug 13 2015
@bridger_w All I want from Uber is to be driven around until I fall asleep, carried over the driver's shoulder into my home, and tucked into bed
Retweet Favorite Mar 2 2015
@bridger_w I want to become a lawyer just so I can defend all my clients in court by saying, "I mean, don't we all make mistakes"
Retweet Favorite Dec 9 2014
@bridger_w One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Retweet Favorite Dec 2 2014
@bridger_w When I'm feeling bold in the kitchen, sometimes I'll change up a recipe by forgetting to put in a key ingredient
Retweet Favorite Nov 16 2014
@bridger_w Every time I think I've parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it's the length of two football fields
Retweet Favorite Oct 13 2014
@bridger_w If you're meeting someone, get to the place early so you'll have a few minutes to kick back and repeatedly text, "Where are you"
Retweet Favorite Sep 30 2014
@bridger_w Learning someone led a double life would hard to process because yes, they betrayed you, but wow, think about those organizational skills
Retweet Favorite Aug 19 2014
@bridger_w Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Retweet Favorite Jul 18 2014
@bridger_w You'll find there's truly so much beauty in the world if you'll just look at the right desktop wallpaper websites
Retweet Favorite Jun 26 2014
@bridger_w Three guys walk into a bar. They pretend to hear each other for two hours and then go home
Retweet Favorite Jun 4 2014
@bridger_w Just accidentally zoomed so far out of a Word document that I saw the birth of the universe
Retweet Favorite May 7 2014
@bridger_w I spent days, weeks, months, creating the perfect garden gazebo. Meanwhile, my marriage was falling apart
Retweet Favorite Apr 28 2014
@bridger_w You always hear a stake through the heart is an effective way to kill a vampire, but actually, it's an effective way to kill lots of things
Retweet Favorite Mar 24 2014
@bridger_w I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers
Retweet Favorite Mar 19 2014
@bridger_w Wait in a dressing room until an employee comes to ask if they can help. Answer yes, pause, then say, "But I need to be able to trust you"
Retweet Favorite Mar 6 2014
@bridger_w Just went to pick up a paper clip but accidentally picked up two paper clips. Sometimes I don't know my own strength
Retweet Favorite Feb 21 2014
@bridger_w Lying on a hospital bed, I pull you in close, and with my dying breath, I whisper, "Name one of your Pokemon after me"
Retweet Favorite Dec 31 2013
@bridger_w One of my ongoing office fantasies involves a coworker walking by my desk while I'm actually working
Retweet Favorite Dec 19 2013
@bridger_w The general rule is that you shouldn't ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Retweet Favorite Dec 18 2013
@bridger_w Being elected President wouldn't give me the level of self-satisfaction I have after a car speeds by me & I end up next to it at a red light
Retweet Favorite Oct 26 2013
@bridger_w It's Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Retweet Favorite Oct 13 2013
@bridger_w When I enter a bathroom stall, I close the door, sigh with relief, and loudly say, "This is it. This is where I'll start my new life"
Retweet Favorite Oct 9 2013
@bridger_w If your boss asks "Working hard or hardly working?," come back with a witty quip like "Tomorrow I'm bringing a gun to the office."
Retweet Favorite Jul 22 2013
@bridger_w The amount of power surging through me after successfully giving a stranger directions can only be described as dangerous
Retweet Favorite Jun 16 2013
@bridger_w You're really limiting yourself if you think sexual harassment is the only way to make your coworkers uncomfortable
Retweet Favorite May 30 2013
@bridger_w Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments below
Retweet Favorite May 15 2013
@bridger_w "I just went on a hike and suddenly I can tell everyone what's right and wrong." -Moses
Retweet Favorite Apr 13 2013
@bridger_w The songs that make me feel coolest when I'm driving fast are generally the songs that make me feel dumbest at stop lights.
Retweet Favorite Apr 3 2013
@bridger_w This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Retweet Favorite Mar 25 2013
@bridger_w Whenever I hear someone scream "Call an ambulance," I'm like, um, ever heard of email
Retweet Favorite Mar 14 2013
@bridger_w I like Gila monsters because they're willing to admit they're monsters, unlike giraffes
Retweet Favorite Feb 1 2013
@bridger_w When I see a "How am I driving?" sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Retweet Favorite Dec 20
@bridger_w When I don't approve of another shopper's groceries in the checkout line, I just use one of those separator bars to sweep them to the floor
Retweet Favorite Dec 1
@bridger_w One plus of being a fast walker is that when I'm forced to walk slowly with another person, I can pretend I'm on the moon
Retweet Favorite Nov 16
@bridger_w As far as I can tell, a picture is basically just a way short video
Retweet Favorite Nov 12
@bridger_w When a cashier thanks you for your purchase, unsettle them by looking deep in their eyes and softly saying, "Anything for a friend."
Retweet Favorite Oct 20
@bridger_w I know the year isn't quite over, but so far, what are your Top 50 movies of 2012 with Tyler Perry?
Retweet Favorite Oct 18
@bridger_w I'm trying to switch from "okay" to "OK" but I can't figure out what to do with all this extra time on my hands
Retweet Favorite Oct 15
@bridger_w Stress? Don't talk to me about stress. Some of my favorite TV characters are currently in truly sticky situations
Retweet Favorite Oct 14
@bridger_w If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, "I thought this was FAST food." The place will never recover from that mega burn
Retweet Favorite Oct 4
@bridger_w Please pray for me: I recently found out that nobody's praying for me
Retweet Favorite Sep 28
@bridger_w "Okay, but do you know HOW I pulled you over?" -Cop's desperate attempt to show off
Retweet Favorite Sep 23
@bridger_w On hold with IKEA. The message just told me "there's more to life than furniture." Time to reevaluate everything I thought I knew.
Retweet Favorite Sep 7
@bridger_w I like to think that T.J. Maxx is what happens when Office Max takes off his tie and slips on a pair of shades.
Retweet Favorite Jul 30
@bridger_w I'll catch you later: Cool thing to say to a friend, scary thing to say to a child.
Retweet Favorite Jun 28
@bridger_w The message in a bottle is probably my favorite form of communication that involves throwing garbage in the ocean.
Retweet Favorite Jun 27
@bridger_w I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
Retweet Favorite Jun 25
@bridger_w Kmart always smells like if Walmart was found dead in its apartment after three days.
Retweet Favorite Jun 23
@bridger_w I don't get why people pay to exercise in a GYM when it's FREE to not exercise.
Retweet Favorite May 19
@bridger_w I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Retweet Favorite Apr 18
@bridger_w "Echolocation, echolocation, echolocation!" -Dolphin realtor
Retweet Favorite Apr 3
@bridger_w You wouldn't believe how many laws I'm obeying right now
Retweet Favorite Feb 22
@bridger_w Just ate so much burrito that halfway through, I couldn't remember a time when I wasn't eating a burrito
Retweet Favorite Feb 10
@bridger_w Help! I was in Chipotle and a Vampire Weekend song came on and now I'm a Toms shoe!
Retweet Favorite Sep 14 2011