@WheelTod Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp. Retweet Favorite Apr 24 2017

@WheelTod My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children. Retweet Favorite Dec 25 2016

@WheelTod Son, your chimpanzee girlfriend is tearing this family apart. Retweet Favorite Nov 6 2016

@WheelTod Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?" And I said "Sure. For years I've been secretly in love with you" Retweet Favorite Sep 18 2016

@WheelTod Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief Retweet Favorite Aug 14 2016