@1followernodad bullshit that you’re supposed to eat healthy your whole life . Like maybe I could do 4 years or something but the whole damn time Retweet Favorite May 3 2018

@1followernodad Is it difficult to decide who in your Coachella pictures is going to flash the peace sign or does it just happen naturally Retweet Favorite Apr 14 2018

@1followernodad I like to read books about grief at the gym so that people know to leave me alone Retweet Favorite Mar 30 2018

@1followernodad it's hilarious that are men walking around w/ their fragile wrinkled up gross hairy ballsacks being like "this is the source of my power." Retweet Favorite Oct 11 2017

@1followernodad wanna know how dumb men are ? my dad went to 13 years of college. smartest guy i know. then he married an anti-vaxxer because she was hot. Retweet Favorite Sep 26 2017

@1followernodad I literally can't wait to cut my carbon footprint by dying. Retweet Favorite Jul 26 2017

@1followernodad Who says white people don't have culture? It's just saying the phrase, "my words were taken out of context." Retweet Favorite Mar 3 2017

@1followernodad i'd like to hire an intern. your only jobs are to go buy me a diet coke & to delete photos off my phone i don't need anymore. $50 for today Retweet Favorite Feb 24 2017

@1followernodad It's not believable when Billy Bob Thornton isn't an alcoholic in a movie. Retweet Favorite Jan 17 2017

@1followernodad my 2 yr old today: Mom how'd you get past the cognitivie dissonance of having me even tho climate change will render the world uninhabitable Retweet Favorite Nov 28 2016

@1followernodad Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts. Retweet Favorite Nov 14 2016

@1followernodad I like the religions where they're like "god left after he made earth." that's exactly what I would do if i created this mess. Retweet Favorite Oct 12 2016

@1followernodad *holding a glass of white wine with 2 hands like it's a mug of hot cocoa* Retweet Favorite Aug 23 2016

@1followernodad Being an adult is just a competition to see how many times you can say "storage space" before you die. Retweet Favorite Aug 3 2016

@1followernodad When I said "I hope you die," I was actually being really thoughtful. Do you really want to experience the unending burdens of immortality? Retweet Favorite May 5 2016

@1followernodad Once I get tan this summer there's going to be literally only one thing that can stop me: simple carbohydrates Retweet Favorite May 4 2016

@1followernodad A police dog had to sniff my bag but it was a puppy so I wasn't even worried cause it's probably not good at its job yet. Retweet Favorite Apr 21 2016

@1followernodad I've bought drinks for guys and not as an equality thing but because when I'm drunk I forget that money is real. Retweet Favorite Feb 22 2016

@1followernodad Nothing is more intimidating to me than someone who genuinely enjoys the outdoors. Retweet Favorite Feb 22 2016

@1followernodad [Mary Magdalene, in bed with someone else after Jesus dies] Him: You said his name again. Retweet Favorite Feb 18 2016

@1followernodad adulthood is just eating a taco where the toppings keep falling out and then death Retweet Favorite Jan 28 2016

@1followernodad I would literally never feel confident enough to drop a piece of equipment as expensive as a mic. Retweet Favorite Jan 23 2016

@1followernodad When you're checking for murderers in your house, don't just yell out "hello!" that gives them the upper hand. Yell, "YOU AINT SHIT!" Retweet Favorite Jan 5 2016

@1followernodad Uncle Sophia wants to remind you that cooking spray does *not* double as lube in a pinch. Retweet Favorite Jan 4 2016

@1followernodad Just changed someone's "fun" name in my phone back to their normal name to regain some control over my life. Retweet Favorite Nov 2 2015

@1followernodad People who say age is just a number fundamentally don't get numbers and that's why I always borrow money from them. Retweet Favorite Aug 3 2015

@1followernodad 76% of being in a relationship is waiting for someone to watch a show. Retweet Favorite Mar 15 2015